Insomnia and Anxiety: Why can’t I sleep?

I don’t know for sure that I have insomnia since I’ve never been diagnosed with it. The longest I’ve ever stayed awake is less than 48 hours. But, sometimes I feel the need to reset, and often have nights I can’t fall asleep.
Due to the holiday, the gym was closed and I only got in a short workout today. Also, I skipped a day this week because I was too tired from working overtime this week.

I started a new job over a month ago as a baker. Though I’m full-time I don’t work a set schedule like I used to. Some days I work as early as 6 AM while others I don’t work until 11 AM.

When I started this job I got in the habit of going to bed by 10 PM and waking up between 4-5 AM. On days I work early, I hit the gym after work. If I don’t work until 11, I workout before work.

In preparation for Christmas, I worked at least an hour past my shift the last three days. As a positive, I was one of the lucky few to get overtime.

But, now my routine is out of sorts. Not only that, there’s a lot weighing on my mind. Today is the one year anniversary of my family’s car accident. Like I mentioned earlier I can’t go into details. But, 2016 was one hell of a year.

Each day I find myself full of regret and feeling inadequate. I wish I could pay all my parents bills right now. But, I also wish the would stop questioning my finances. I’ll admit, investing in a personal trainer wasn’t the best choice right now. But, I had to do something for myself to preserve my sanity too. Yeah, call me a selfish bitch. Go ahead. I apologize if this isn’t one of my more informative of uplifting posts. Actually, I don’t.

I’m finally getting all these feelings off my chest. If you don’t like it, then you probably shouldn’t read my blog. If you suffer from anxiety like I do, you know how hard it is to express your feelings. Since starting this blog, I’ve struggled to explain my exact thoughts and feelings. I’m not perfect. None of us are. Sometimes when we talk, words don’t come out the way we want them too, and that’s okay!

I hate being home most of the time. Because of all that’s happened in the past year it’s liked I’m constantly being followed by a big negativity cloud wherever I go. I’ve always considered myself an Empath. Believe what you want. But, being around negative energy for too long wears me down.

I don’t even want to mention my plans or goals to anyone since no one seems to care. I feel the less I talk about anything, the better off I am. Earlier, I mentioned my plans to go back to school for massage therapy. No one cared. But, you know what? I’m going to do it anyways. In 2017, I’m not letting anyone try to tell me what to do. I’ve researched the costs. I’ve looked up ways to pay for the program, and I’m going to make it happen.

Again, I’ve been interested in massage therapy for a while. Also, discovering essential oils peaked my interest further. I enjoy listening to meditations and watching massage videos. Also, several people have complimented my massage skills. So, why not? Plus it’s only a 1 year program and the courses fit easily into my schedule.

Anyways, I’m getting tired. I should try to get some sleep at least. I gotta work at 7 AM tomorrow, which means waking up by 5:30 to get ready. If I’m still awake in an hour I might hit the gym before work and crash afterwards. Otherwise, today I have no choice but to depend on caffeine.

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